Dear Marius, Love Eponine (A letter from home)

Dear Marius (D),

                The thought of getting married is kinda’ awful for me way back many years ago. Deep inside my heart, I know that I am not bound to be  alone forever. I know someday, someone will come whom I wanted to pray for, to be with me for the rest of my life.

                Indeed, it was every girls dream to have a beautiful and wonderful wedding. Some of them giggle every time they talked about wedding. They imagine there self wearing white dresses while there man was waiting at the end of the aisle. They share there wonderful ideas about their dream wedding. I had a boyfriend at that time, but I never pictured him out as my future groom.

                It was all just a dull dream for me…

                Not until you came….

                I never believe on love at first site. But from the moment I saw you, there is something in my heart that lightens up. I knew it is not love. But it’s kind of a feeling that I cannot put down in words.

                “I think you will play a special role in my life”

                From that day on, my perspective about weddings has Change. You give bright colors to that dull dream of mine.

                That time, I told myself.

“I think I met the man whom I can dream with about my perfect wedding”

You’ve became the man in my dreams.

Even though you didn’t notice me that much, you even hardly say hi or hello to me. But I notice you a lot. I can’t help myself observing you. From your two wide eyes full of intellect, your slender shape face, dark complexion of your skin and your long and well-defined nose. What can I say? I can define you as tall, dark and handsome. And there is no way you can notice me at that time.

  Your little acts and mannerism, your slow pace of movement and walking, your views and opinions, the way you speak…

I just love everything about you. And it keeps me thinking, who you are as a person, as son, a brother, as a friend, as a christian, as a Pastor. I want to know you deeper. But I know that time, it is quite impossible.

I admire so much your ability and talent in music. You are an excellent guitarist. And I really admit it; you got my heart every time you pluck the strings. Feels like you also pluck my heart strings.

You became my man in my dreams. And it’s not just figuratively, but also literally. I dream about you almost every night. Figuratively, you’re the man whom I wanted to marry.  

I kept my feelings for four years. And even though we were separated for long years, nothing had ever changed. You were still the man in my dreams.

After not seeing you for a very long period of time, you came back.

How my eyes glow seeing you after how many years. And I felt the same way as before.

I tried to be strong. I still kept my feelings. I struggled because I am still hoping that someday, you will notice me. I prayed almost every night for what I felt. I asked GOD for guidance and intervention. And this is my prayer.

“LORD, if it’s not your will, please take this away.”

I pray and pray. I waited. And I never make any move.

Until one day, you approached me. You told me you were praying for me.

Oh how my heart leaped. You’re just in time. I was about to give up, and then you perfectly came.

I appreciate so much the way you valued me.  You were the first man who attempted to ask my parents blessing. I appreciate your courage.

Before, I just knew you from what my eyes can see. But now, I am getting to know you deeper. Those things that are invisible to the eyes and only visible to the heart. Your dreams and desires. And I am so amazed how the two of us share common desires, goals, dreams, principles and interests. Our desire in ministry goes together.

I love everything about you. Your slow pace of movement, your soft spoken voice, your seriousness, your intellect, and even your funny side. 

But the thing that captured my heart the most is your greatest love to GOD's word and your deepest yearning for GOD. I just love the way you talk about GOD's word, I just love listening to your greatest desire and yearning for GOD. I love  the way you love them. 
I admit, you taught me a lot. You imparted many lessons in my life. You draw me closer to GOD. And that makes me more convinced that you are the man I ever wanted. I knew it from the start. I wasn't wrong. I knew what I've been looking for and what I really wanted for my future partner. It was you.

You are the man whom I wanted to follow and whom I’ve wanted to be with while serving the LORD for the rest of my days.

But no matter how good it is, the timing is wrong. And everything turns out so wrong.

Circumstances became so complicated. You and I were separated in distance. You receive a ministry call from other place. And I am so happy for that because GOD grant the desire of your heart And I thought it’s going to be ok. You left me so assured. And I hold on to that assurance.

But everything went wrong. Complications arise.  Our immaturity clashed. I messed it up. I am so sorry. But my sorry can never change what happened. You ended it up. I understand you.

No matter how good it was, when the timing is wrong, it won’t really work.

I never heard anything about you since the time you decided to end up everything we had. And I never tried to reach you out because I know I've became a burden for you already. All I ever wanted is to be a blessing, a supporter, and a great help for you. But I am so sorry. I messed up everything. I am too immature. I failed.
I can’t do anything. First and for most, you were never been mine. I just assumed. We just assumed. It hurt badly.
I even asked GOD.

"LORD, did I ask too much when I ask him from you?"

But I had to bear the consequences from feelings that were awaken in a wrong time.

I never did stop praying for you. Day and night. And every time I miss you, I kneel down on my knees and pray. I'm praying for you because there is a great conviction inside my heart to pray more for you. Sometimes my heart faints. My heart just want to give up. And even doubted and questioned my worthiness of praying for you. But many times, GOD did rebuke me. No one is worthy. It's only because of his grace that we can come boldly and confidently in prayer.
I'm praying for you not because I wanted  you to comeback and love me back again. I care for you so much that I can't afford not to mention you in my prayers. 
I am praying for you because I know you need prayers!
And that energizes me to keep praying for you.
whether you come back in my life again or not, whether you love someone else now, whether you forgot about me already, you still need prayers.
 And that is what I ever wanted long before, even on the first day that I met you. To pray for you sincerely.

As long as the Holy Spirit seems leading me to pray for you, I will never stop praying. I will obey its conviction. Even if sometimes it hurts so much or even I don’t feel like praying for you, but as long as he is leading me to pray for you, I will keep praying.
I always thank GOD for your life, testimony, character and principles. You've been such a great blessing to my life. And I am so thankful that GOD granted one of the desires of your heart in ministry.

If GOD will lead you back to me, I will be thankful and grateful. But as of now, I know it is not yet the right time. I may not have any communications with you. I may not have any news about you. Or you might have been forget about me and love someone else.  But I know GOD is sovereign and in control of everything.

All I can do is to keep praying for you. I’ll be your silent prayer warrior. So never worry, someone is praying for you from a distance in all aspects of your life.

This is a letter from someone who loves you and prays for you sincerely and fervently.

From someone who never stops loving you.

From someone whom you left better.

From someone who learned many lessons from you.

From someone who is waiting for you to come home.
From someone Eponine to Marius.

You have a home in my heart.

Will you ever have a chance to read this letter?
Will ever come back?

Will my dreams and desire will turn to sweet reality?
These are the questions I can never answer.

Only God knows. And in it's perfect time, GOD will unfold and reveal the answers.

Love,                                                                                                    Eponine (C)

YOU HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.